“What has this got to do with transitioning?” I screamed.
“We’re talking about cross-dressing here.”
“I know.” she nodded.
“How did we get on to transitioning? I continued.
“I told you before, I do not want to be a woman, I just want to wear women’s clothes!”
I did my best to move out of the room, in a commanding way, but what I actually did was ‘storm out’. I was careful of course, not to let the door bang behind me, lest I be seen for what I was. Angry! Not at her. Just Angry! I sat on the loo and stopped to pause a moment. Who was I kidding? “I love being a woman and I hate the truth of that.” I thought. Classic denial! “I just hate looking like a complete and utter stupid ass!”
“I’m sorry honey!” I said as I came back into the room, determined to make amends. “Maybe the truth is I do want to be a woman? I’m sick of denying it. It’s so subtle it’s hard to see.”
Finally, I’d said it out loud but I couldn’t say it without the word ‘maybe’! Now could I? I still couldn’t commit 100%. 99%? Yes! But 100% gives no way out!
I was scared! Scared I’d be a ProperFool!
“Write the book my love” she urged again, through subtly gritted teeth for having said it so many times before. “Write ‘The Boys in This House’”
“Be a man or a woman my love and go beyond gender. Gender’s not the point, having the courage to feel the pain and pleasure of being alive as yourself, in this World, is the point. Pain and Bliss are just two sides the one coin”
I said nothing.
“If you write the book, you’ll find yourself, whatever that is and the ‘man or woman’ question, like the ‘gay or straight’ question you used to ask, will become less important.”
“I know. I hope you’re right!”
I relaxed into the feeling of being a woman, accepting that I’ve always felt this way, regardless of its truth or reasons why. Realising that ‘I’m sick of the question and I’m sick of the never-ending discussion”. My Journals from five, ten, fifteen and more years ago, read exactly the same as they do today! I’m still on the same silly merry-go-round as I’ve always been on. It’s ridiculous how hard it is to commit to either one or the other!
And I thought I was brave!
“Maybe you’re just totally panicked about being a man in this crazy world? She said.
“What do you mean maybe? Absolutely no doubtedly!” I chuckled, trying desperately, to make light of things.
“I mean you said it yourself, you hated being a boy in your house. It led to nothing but screaming and ridicule. No man or boy could have survived in your house!”
“That’s not what I said. You’re embellishing more than you need to”
“Maybe I am, but it’s what I heard you say. Or at least words to that effect”
“No supposing about it. Write the book and find out for yourself. I know you need to do this my love, and whatever you decide, whether you live as a man or a woman afterwards, you’ll have put your heart into it no matter the outcome.
We hugged tightly as we always did at times like this. It felt good!
“I’ll support you in whatever way I can,” she said.
“Thank you, my love.”
“Yesterday I was sick at the thought of being a woman. Sick to my core! I was sick of the cross-dressing and all that that entailed but today, in my heart of hearts, I love being a woman.”
I carried on and as I spoke, I felt my manhood growing again. Every time I speak the truth, I get an erection! Maybe my mind can lie but my body can’t! It’s the madness of life itself, that gets me, the Great Paradox of existence! What can you do but laugh!
C’est La Vie! Or as my lovely friend Linda, from Ohio, says ‘Go figure’!
Here’s a verse called Great Paradox which came to me in the height of my frilly years. I placed it beside a picture of my brother Dezy in ‘Ode to Coumeenole“. Dezy’s the one who wished he’d ‘something exciting like that’ in his life when I bared my heart to him and confessed to the shame of being a cross-dresser all my life
He made me laugh. That was a gift!
Ambiguous notions merge at this place
Forging endeavour to improbable space
Seeking the answers to questions unwise
Endless-mind thoughts, analyse, paralyse
* * *
The dearest loving secrets of this Universe lie
Not in the questions and pondering why
But rather, forever in deep boundless locks
Past thinking confined by Great Paradox
* * *
Mysterious games through thinking, derange
Infinite boundaries in ‘ceaseless-exchange’
Racing through paradox, on edge of the mind
You’ll let it all go and in your heart, you’ll unwind
* * *
Surrendered to feelings beyond circling thought
Beyond raging wars, endlessly fought
Beyond understanding and timeless tick-tocks
Beyond weary worries – beyond Paradox
* * *
We play in this world and then, we go home
Like cryptic word-puzzles downed as they’re known
We file away gently through Great Paradox
Forever and ever – ’til enough’s had enough’s
Peter Petra, The Manse, Derry, 20200324